Today I thought that many events in my life were practice literally for what was to be revealed.  I did not know that of course, but I rehearsed for what I thought right and good.  I became involved in being who I thought I could be.

There was a phrase when I was growing up, fake it till you make it were the words.  It meant pretend it is so until it is.  We think often that is how our government is run but I knew certain things were correct but not of my heritage.  Events were blatant contradictions (like parents being hateful about classmates ‘ families when we were taught to be kind in school) to what I hoped or knew could be the ideal.  So I pretended a lot.  It was not easy but as I said, practice it was and I was rehearsing.  Alibi-ing  people is what others said I did.

I can see the reasoning of Job and those souls who put themselves in public saying their god was good and life was also.  Even though smack in the belly was a whopper.  What was Job aware of?  What were the do-gooders doing in the face of contradictions likely to choke them?  What was escaping me?

I remember lying on the patch of grass when I was just seven or so and moving clouds into forms with thought and wishing to be a wise old woman some day.  Not for things like English doll buggies or fashionable clothes but always wished for straight talk.  I now see 100 approaching and still look for talk.

I want to explore pretend until it is not pretend, like a stretched sweater comfortable to wear.  How to do it.  How to love the unlovable with behavior repugnant?  How to get past the repulsive sight to see the shining eyes or blazing heart?  How to pretend a tight hug and not push away.

There are warts and worms in every world.   I think what I pursue at heart is to be a godperson in human skin.  I think all life is a route back to what once was and we threw away in pursuit of something to hold in our hands.  Manifested. Not a waste to be sure, but lifetimes so hard that it has taken eons to retrieve our heritage.

We are a reflection of that pursuit.  I see Job insisting his god is good and welcoming the challenges.  Hit me again, he says, I can take it and rise to go on.  He already knew that life was everlasting, and he, groomed for his next world.  Pretending leads to integration of uncomfortable ideas, foreign and hard to digest, but altogether an enhancement not only this life but all lives.

My Mentor, the Nazarene said this, didn’t he?  Do for one and you do for all.  Evolution is step by step with a society grown in ways not only science driven, but technological,  able to integrate old anguish and ancient beliefs with a sympathy as well as understanding that is balm for us all.  Kabbalah was our innate respect for learning, bedding for we who remember from where we come.

I am grateful for a life that has taught much and wondered too much to frolic this time, but in overwhelming gratitude to the All.

simple request. . . .

it won’t cost a sou, or a mint
or a farthing or a dollar.
It won’t cost anything, she says,
except . . . . .

to put away the toys
that spoil the air we breathe,
that take our fun
and spoil that too. . .

all she asks is time
to take care of this Earth
and to take care of the children
we make and be

their example. . .

artwork by Claudia Hallissey. . .