I Don’t Know How To Be Deaf. . .

 

I had been struggling with the newer hearing aids for over two years.  And the audiologists kept saying they are the state of the art but my ears were itching and my brain hurt.  It was irritated, my brain was.   With the new hearing test, the audiologist said you work very hard at hearing, don’t you?  I could have wept with no reserve, I was so relieved someone noticed.

There was more loss in hearing, but he said I can do nothing for your brain.  It is not registering always the switch necessary for human voices.  And because I focus so deeply on thought to shut out head noises, it is tiring and aging does not have much energy in reserve.

So to engage in conversation with more than one person is very hard work.  It is not because I am not paying attention.  And  when you call and I give someone the phone to talk to you, it is because I do not hear.  Not that I don’t want to talk.

I am grateful for the people in my life who help me.  Especially family.  They allow me space to work my work as long as I draw breath.  I hope I am worth my keep.

I Don’t Know How To Be Deaf. . . 

I am among you whom I love,
and try to understand your words.
I read your gestures, your body language
and your eyes telling me again
what you wish me to know.

I am desperate to understand.
Your impatience runs through your body
and into mine.  Shackled am I
with emotions as mine tumble
with yours and consume me.

We have shared our histories
through decades but now you run ahead of me
and I take my silent world and retreat.
I piece your words, the ones I hear
with a history I secured in mind.

What I have learned to read
by eyes that speak, are words that run
like rivers into each other to form
a crash against walls I hope I did not build.

Aged now, rubbed raw, there is nothing left
to flex against, to tell me how to assuage the deficit.
There is little energy at the end of Now
to make it work. . . no lessons offered
along the way but to be left dumb. . . .

I just don’t know  how to be deaf.

 

4 Responses to I Don’t Know How To Be Deaf. . .

  1. Veronica Hallissey August 12, 2019 at 4:01 pm #

    email from Suzanne. . . . .I will save this so that I have something to go to
    when MY turn comes. Consider yourself hugged. It’s not enough, but
    it’s all I’ve got.

    Love and blessings,
    Suzanne

    Sent from my iPhone

  2. Veronica Hallissey August 12, 2019 at 4:09 pm #

    Suzanne. . .thank you for commenting. This is for we who are legion now because we live to see our parts break down. But I marvel at how we have utilized all faculties to enhance what we still have. And marvel too at how patient the young are who have full plates to balance.

  3. Connie Martin August 15, 2019 at 6:17 pm #

    V, sweet V, I am in the boat with you. It’s not so bad. I mean, not too terribly much worth hearing these days! Right? Right.
    Some things are better left unheard!
    Keep heart
    ~Connie M.

    • Veronica Hallissey August 15, 2019 at 6:30 pm #

      Connie, I knew I would be preaching to the choir! If I indeed know how to blueprint a world as Suzanne says, I know exactly which who (s) will I have as residents. The ones who love this living no matter where to take it seriously, but did not forget how to laugh. You are all wonderful!

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