I have been wondering the quality of thought and also if my life could have been spent other than what I have been about.
How much of it designed and designated and how much busy work simply to get through without causing mayhem, or just abandoning commitments and doing my thing, whatever it happened to be.
I remember the hand outstretched after my younger’s birth and giving permission to take it and leave. But who will take care of the children? The eternal question with me. Especially since I gave birth to these three.
When I was told that the Veronica today was not Who I was, in my thinking I was only Who I knew to be and did not know Other. That’s why what is this life’s participation would not be sitting in the head of Who we Were. And who I was with the deeds committed before birth would not be committed by the who I am today.
And the qualities of or the character of the then Veronica, or whoever I was, could be or were as undesirable or hurtful or dastardly as whatever needed to be unlearned by me as well as my chosen ones. We have a history because as Jesus said, the twig already is bent upon arrival also.
And therefore who is without sin, my Mentor asked. Who is without sin to cast the first stone. So he pleaded, forgive them Father for they know not what they do. There were few with prior memory.
I am awash. . . because it all makes sense. And I turn over for what I need to see in a language that I will write today to be understood. We need language in the vernacular to be an instrument of peace. I am sure others know this but with me it connects everything in my head. It makes exquisite sense and the connections are vivid. I scribed the following (in bold) May 23, 2020)
It seems like such a large task but it has taken almost a hundred years to learn. And each step has taken its toll and left you awash again. Yet you did not dismantle nor abandon. You stayed the route and continued to love. Who do you know would have stayed?
(most of them did. My sibling family except those whose lives were turned upside down. When violence took them or abandoning was survival. Yet the damage has been great because there was no one to teach or even say with meaning that this too shall pass. Education, but even formal education does not give this kind of knowledge. I don’t know what does because I don’t know what is within the individual to work with the lacks or injustices to remedy what cannot be seen to be remedied. Sometimes it is simply survival when we leave.)
It is all a matter of who holds the sparklers. Isn’t it? (don’t make it sound like a matter of who has suffered enough! Like how much can you take before you break! Then it makes it sound like some kind of game to be levied on someone still trying. Because there is an element of undergirding ethics that Doris Lessing wrote about that laws are not made but are inherent in the nature of the Galaxy or the Universes. . . .. I think that within each of us is the divine working that pleads with us to keep loving because worlds are banking their survivals on the each or someone finding the way that will open them for life with Purpose, or Divinity or even Sacredness. Its Sheen with meaning.)
That caliber of one’s thoughts will attract the caliber of teacher one needs. Or possibly what think you?
Like Minds. . .
My thoughts rove the ethers
like a magnet pulling
like thoughts to themselves.
The excitement rumbles
through my belly
while heart accelerates its beat
forcing my blood to course
through my body drunkenly.
to know that mine is thought
matched by invisible minds. . . .
I swim in conscious waters
Pulsating, yearning, I find it humbling
to think that heaven’s thought
has searched out mine.